You know I'm a mall rat, right?

Maybe it's the OG 1980's/1990's Valley Girl in me, but I think I may have spent a good quarter of my life inside various malls. Between working at malls in High School and College to working across from them and working-out in them, I seem to always be going to or coming from one mall or another. And now it may finally pay off!

Yesterday I was notified that I'm a finalist for Simon Mall's Style Setter of the Fashion Valley Mall. If you know San Diego, you know that this is THE mall of the city. All the top stores from Tiffany and Co. to Louis Vuitton to Bloomingdales, Nordstrom, Macys AND Nieman's calls this mall their home. If you are looking for premiere shopping in San Diego - this is your heaven. And I may be the blogger chosen to get special perks, previews and inside information on all things shopping and style. 

{{SQUEAL}}

Yes, opportunities like this make me giddy. 

While it's not the final decision, they are asking for some voting love from my adoring fans... (ahem). So here is where I ask oh so politely if you would please mosey over to the Fashion Valley Mall Facebook Page and vote for me. 

You can vote as many times as you would like (hint, hint) voting ends May 31st. 

Wish me luck! 

At first I let these kids (?) explain their side of the story and welcomed their comments that were desperately trying to prove me wrong. Cries of "we just love the animation" and "the story lines are aimed at adults" were thrown out and most of the initial comments were innocent -  Bronies just trying to prove that they were NOT wanting to have sex with animated rainbow horses or children. Then the comments turned a bit nasty, and we decided to shut them off. But that doesn't stop the Bronies from emailing me on a regular basis telling me I'm a closed minded, uptight bitch.

I will admit, there for awhile I thought maybe I was. And that kinda horrified me. 

I did make a jump to associating Bronies with child molestation and that, in hindsight, may have been too harsh. Because a grown person likes rainbows, hearts and talking horses does not mean they want to have sex with children. I get it. It was pure MOM-paranoia. And if this subculture really was not hurting kids, why should I care what these older men (and women) are doing in their free time? I really didn't mean to be overly dramatic about the whole thing... or come off so judgmental. I really just thought that this was an important thing for other moms to know, because YOU NEVER KNOW. Right?

RIGHT?

10 months after writing that article I was on a long call with AT&T Tech Support. In an attempt to keep Zoe entertained, I gave her my iPad and set her down on my bed while I argued with the tech support not 10 feet away. I've talked about what a digital child Zoe is before; She's 4 years old and can navigate an iPad better than most baby boomers. In fact, a recent tantrum was sparked because I refused to give her my password to iTunes. 

Seriously. She wanted to buy an app and I wouldn't let her. Hello, Being 4 in 2012: This is what you look like. 

So, Zoe was playing with the iPad and I heard something about Rarity and Pinky Pie in the background. She does have a few episodes of the show on my iPad in addition to the My Little Pony app, so nothing that raised suspicion. Until I heard a distinct male voice saying something about petting ponies. I ran over as fast as I could and grabbed the iPad from her hot little hands while screaming "NO YOUTUBE!" But it was too late. The "damage" was done... 

The ironic part? She wasn't watching something made by a Brony - but a cartoon called "My Little Bronies" by College Humor, which, in fact, pokes fun at the Brony subculture. 

Yes, I'm well aware that the Bronies reading this right now are smiling and muttering things about "karma being a bitch"...

While my main fear of the Brony fandom was my innocent daughter finding sexualy explicit MLP YouTube videos, in actuality I was left trying to explain to a 4 year old why a grown man has a collection of ponies and why Rarity and Pinkie Pie were trying to run away from him.

Quite literally when it came to the Bronies,  I had nothing to fear but the fear itself. 

DISCLOSURE: In-Laws and future employers need not read. Also, links may be NSFW networks. 

Years ago, our good friends moved into a new house in a predominantly “gay neighborhood” of San Diego. Once a month, their neighbors who lived at the end of the street and down a long driveway, would have a “party.” You knew it was party night when the lights on the pillars at the end of the driveway would come on, each post proudly displaying a rainbow flag.

We would sit in their old living room, looking out the bay windows as the patrons of the party would file in. One by one. Two by Two. Or even in groups. Always carrying bags with them. Apparently these neighbors were into bondage and other S&M-type activities. One night, a white van pulled up and 6 men jumped out. They then started unloading army-issue size duffle bags onto the sidewalk. They each picked up one or two bags and headed down the long driveway. That night, we looked at each other and all agreed, our brains could not even begin to comprehend what was going on in there. Not passing judgment as much as reeling in the thought there is a whole world of things that we know little to nothing about.

Until now.

***

It’s been a few weeks since I first heard about the erotic love story Fifty Shades of Grey. Being touted as “Mommy Porn”, people in my mommy circles keep raving about it. Article are being published crediting these books for rekindling marriages and women just can’t seem to get enough. And if there is one thing I can’t pass up, it’s a series of books that everyone’s reading.

I’m just a trend whore when it comes to things like that.

I powered through my Catching Fire re-read (yes, I know) and downloaded the first of the three eBooks, Fifty Shades of Grey, Thursday night and as of last night  (Monday) at midnight, I have now read all three books. They are horribly written. There were so many missed edits and typos that I caught, so I’m sure there were hundreds I didn’t. They were ridiculous. They were repetitive. And? I couldn’t put them down.

It was pathetic. Once I started I couldn’t stop myself. This poorly written story grabbed onto me and I was paralyzed to do anything else until I devoured every last word. My “inner goddess” “flushed” as my “hooded eyes” quickly raced over every word… Oh god. It was a train wreck I just couldn’t pry myself away from gawking at.

So what is the deal with these books? What is it about them that Universal Pictures spent $5 million on opting the movie rights?

 If you’ve read anything about them, you know that they actually stemmed from Twilight Fan Fiction. And just like Twilight made it “okay” for grown women to openly read YA novels, the Fifty Shades series is making it okay for grown women to openly admit to reading erotic content. Since the book, until TODAY, was only available in an electronic format, it made it easy for woman to sit and read it anywhere – like poolside on Easter Sunday or during their daughter’s gymnastic class {admitting to nothing}. And now because of the mainstream attention, we can also openly talk about the books with our girlfriends, husbands and maybe even book clubs (hey, it will be the ONE book everyone will actually read!).

Let’s face it – while the sex scenes are steamy and rather explicit – I think it’s more the theme of the book that causes a woman, mainly a mom, to get wrapped up in the fantasy of it. We’re all getting older and no matter who you are being a mom tests your self-esteem on a regular basis. The hope that while we are self conscious about our hair, our bodies or our clothes that someone else out there thinks we are amazingly beautiful. We cling to the hope that with one look (or lip bite) we can still send our men reeling, making them crazy with desire. And? After all is said and done, after years of marriage, kids, saggy boobs and financial debates, we want to believe in one thing that can heal everything – love.

And then there’s the sex.

As I mentioned above, before this book my mind could never even wrap around some of these things. Maybe it still can’t, but the BDSM was, uhh…. eye opening to say the least.

But let’s be honest here, if you are a big reader, the majority of the intimate scenes in this book are not something new. In fact, being that I’m a huge fan of the Sookie Stackhouse books, I half expected Christian to turn into a vampire or dark angel at any moment. But still, sex is like pizza…

Not that I think that the majority of married woman out there will rush out to get spreader bars (then again, who knows?)… some may be tempted to look into some simple kits to get them started or other adult toys for their own personal “playrooms.” And honestly, I think online sex toy shops like EdenFantasys are going to see a spike in sales of “silver balls” like they’ve never seen before. 

And if you’re a little lost now that you’ve powered through all three books in 4 days {ahem} check out the EdenFantasys book club for some new suggestions.

Laters, baby...

Have you read the Fifty Shades series yet? What did you think? Why did you like them?

*More disclosure: www.edenfantasys.com is compensating me for including the links included in this post. Yes, you can thank me for doing all the research for you in the comments below.